We don't want to live if we become convinced that we don't, can't, will never truly matter. The paradigmatic words of the suicidally depressed are "I don't matter." It's no accident that the URL for the US Hotline for Suicide Prevention is https://youmatter.suicidepreventionlifeline.org (2).
I have not been able to find this website. But I have found a suicide prevention organization named "You Matter" at https://www.youmatterawareness.org.
Previously, I have written about Goldstein's book, 36 Arguments for the Existence of God: A Work of Fiction. In that book, she suggests that the deepest emotional attitude supporting religion is the feeling that my life has no meaning or purpose if I am not a creature of God who loves me and cares for me and will give me eternal life. I cannot bear the thought that my appearance in this universe was an accident, the product of cosmic causes that have no special purpose in mind, and that when I die, the world will go on without me. How can my life matter--really matter--if it's not all about ME? This is the thought that moves existentialist Christians who say that Darwinian science cannot explain everything if it cannot give cosmic meaning to the life of human beings as unique persons who don't want to die.
And yet, even as Goldstein reaches this conclusion, she gives her reader a novel that suggests that most human beings will never accept this, and so they will turn from reason to religion. Even those few who understand most fully the fallaciousness of the transcendent longings of human beings might feel compelled to yield to those longings by an emotional necessity that overpowers rational necessity.
The thought just came into my head. I was thinking, "What are we doing this for? What are we doing any of this for if we're just going to die? You die, and it's over. So, what's the point?" I felt afraid. Afraid to the point of not wanting to think about that anymore.
Speaking to a journalist with the Washington Post, she confessed:
Sometimes I'm like, what if I'm wrong? It crosses my mind. Then I ask God: If I'm doing something wrong, please give me the strength to figure it out. Because I really want to understand what the point is. This can't be what life is, that you get up and go to work and come home. That as humans, we're nothing (19-20).
Goldstein quotes this as showing the most melancholic thing about the longing to matter--we can never be sure that we have chosen the right way to make our lives matter. But even if we can't conclusively know that we matter, we must somehow appease the longing to matter--perhaps by becoming a political cult follower--if we are to get on with our lives.
They knew what to do and say to snag the interest of a fourteen-year-old half-Irish, half-Italian kid from Philly whose real dad was an addict, whose stepdad was an asshole, whose mom was indifferent, whose school was a war zone, and whose only real desire was never to feel like a fucking victim again: they gave a shist about me. The Lancaster County white sup0remacists talked to me like they cared about what I thought and what I could become. Then they told me I had a destiny. They told me I could become a warrior. They told me all I had to do was look in the mirror and see the truth: I was white and that was all that mattered. . . . For the first time in my life, I felt like I mattered (261).
By the end of the summer, he had earned the red shoelaces in his combat boots by having shed blood. When he returned to Philadelphia, he organized his own neo-Nazi group, and he became a charismatic leader. But at one point, he had so many warrants out on him that he was sure he would be soon arrested. So he left Philadelphia, and eventually ended up in Springfield, Illinois, where he organized a skinhead group.
But then, at age 17, when he was convicted of kidnapping and torturing another teenager, he was incarcerated for three years. In jail, he became friends with two Black inmates. When he was released, he found that he could no longer hate Blacks.
Out of prison, he was looking for jobs, but someone with his record had dismal prospects for employment. He was so desperate that he took a job with a Jewish antique dealer in New Jersey who needed someone to move his heavy merchandise. But when it came time to be paid, the boss was not around. Frank assumed that the Jew was going to jew him out of his pay--because he had heard people talking about jewing as what you should expect from a Jew. But instead, his boss paid him a little extra for his good work and offered him a full-time job. Now Frank could no longer believe the stereotypes about Jews.
One day, Frank accidently broke a piece of valuable furniture. He apologized for being so "stupid." But his boss became angry that he so often called himself stupid. He told Frank: "Listen hard to what I'm saying. Smart people can fake being dumb, but dumb people can't fake being smart. You are just smart. Get used to it."
Those words had a powerful effect. When Frank quotes these words today, he tears up. That was the beginning of his transformation. He explains: "When people started to talk to me like I was a fellow human, it changed everything. We have to start talking. It's human beings being human beings among human beings."
He became a cofounder of "Love After Hate," an organization that helps to rehabilitate people who have been members of hate groups. An avid hockey fan and player, he organized "Harmony Through Hockey," associated with the Philadelphia Flyers, to teach kids from disadvantaged backgrounds, from different racial groups, to play together on a team. He has also lectured widely about his life. And he has testified before the U.S. Congress about the threats coming from white supremacist groups--particularly, the police brutality that comes from neo-Nazis who have joined police departments.
So at that point, Frank's self-mattering came from his moral activism against racist hate groups. He had changed his location on Goldstein's Mattering Map--moving from being a group competitor to being an ethical heroic striver.
But then another change in his sense of how his life matters came when he discovered that he was Jewish! He talked with a rabbi who told him that Meeink was clearly an Ashkenazi Jewish name, and that Frank also looked Jewish. Frank then discovered that his mother's maternal gread-grandmother had been Jewish. Since Jewish identity is matrilineal by Jewish law, this lineage makes Frank Jewish.
Now, after years of studying Judaism under the instruction of rabbis, Frank has become an observant Jew. He frequently invokes Ha-Shem, which is a Hebrew word which means the Name. This is the way observant Jews refer to God to avoid violating the divine commandment against taking God's name in vain.
Now, as Frank goes through his day, he reminds himself to STAY--"stop thinking about yourself"--and instead think about serving Ha-Shem and praying to him at least an hour and a half every day to ask for his guidance.
He has changed his position on the Mattering Map again--he is not just an ethical heroic striver but also a Jewish transcender.
DONALD TRUMP AND ABRAHAM LINCOLN ON THE MATTERING MAP
In the deepest of his depression, he said one day he had done nothing to make any human being remember that he had lived; and that to connect his name with the events transpiring in his day and generation, and so impress himself upon them as to link his name with something that would redound to the interest of his fellow-men, was what he desired to live for.22 years later, shortly after Lincoln had signed the Emancipation Proclamation, he reminded Speed of this earlier conversation about his ambition for doing something great so that he would be remembered forever, and he told Speed: "I believe that in this measure, my fondest hopes will be realized."
To be a transcender is to believe that your personal existence has a role to play in the narrative of eternity. You would not be at all unless you had a role to play in the drama of all of existence. There is no greater mattering that you can conceive for yourself, short of imagining that you are yourself a transcendent being existing on an exalted plane beyond other mortals--in other words, short of lunacy. Compared to transcendent mattering, any other sense of mattering limps far behind, which again explains why psychologists keep producing data showing that the religious and spiritual report comparatively higher levels of life satisfaction (197).
What I see here is a suggestion of Goldstein's envy of the transcenders for having a greater sense of mattering than she does. Or perhaps it's a regret that she lost the transcenders' sense of mattering when she lost her ultra-Orthodox Jewish faith at age fourteen. As she reports in her book on Spinoza, Betraying Spinoza: The Renegade Jew Who Gave Us Modernity, she attended an ultra-Orthodox all-girls high school, where her favorite teacher--Mrs. Schoenfeld--warned the girls that they must never read Spinoza because he was a Jew who became an atheist. But then as Mrs. Schoenfeld described his atheistic philosophizing and how the Jewish community in Amsterdam had excommunicated him as a heretic, Goldstein felt an attraction to him: "The thought occurred to me that he must have been a lovable man. I sat in Mrs. Schoenfeld's class, and I felt that I loved him" (47).
Goldstein became a professional philosopher whose sense of mattering comes from her being an intellectual heroic striver who finds her life's purpose in achieving intellectual excellence. But she still feels some faint longing for that most intense sense of mattering that she once had as an ultra-Orthodox high school girl.
She hinted this in one of her conversations with Frank Meeink:
Frank asked me once about my own Jewish faith and observance. We were in an Uber returning from the quirky marina where his waterlogged boat is still docked.
When I come clean to him about my lack of religious belief and observance, he give me his lopsided grin and tells me that it's all okay, but he hopes I know I'm going to hell. (A joke. Frank doesn't believe in hell.)
Wait a minute, I say, grinning back. You of all people have got to believe in redemption.
"Yeah, you're right," he says. "Me of all people. I gotta believe in redemption even if it ends up killing me."